Why Dating is Anxiety Provoking and What You Can You Do About It
By: Lindsay Mann, LP-MHC
Picture this: you recently matched with someone from a dating app. It’s all fun and games with flirtatious banter and not much to lose. Then, you get each other’s number and move to texting. Many times, the next step is…going on a date.
Frequently, this is the step where anxiety starts to rise. Meeting anyone for a first interaction is nerve-racking. Having anxiety about it is warranted!
The anticipation of awkward interactions, waiting for that text the next day, the pressure to “make it work” are all reasons why this anxiety you may feel is 100% normal.
This may show up in physical symptoms, self-criticism, doubt, excessive fears or worry. It can often feel overwhelming and debilitating, so much so, that sometimes it may feel as though the only way to manage the emotions is to avoid the date all-together. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all felt the subsequent feelings of isolation and shame that follow.
Many times, the level of vulnerability required is scary; the threat of feelings not being reciprocated is painful; the sense of competition to “one-up” other people this person has dated or encountered on dating apps (“I’m not like other girls” mentality) is stressful; previous negative dating experiences also don’t help anxiety… And then there’s the doom and gloom of societal or familial pressures to be in a relationship: “Yep! Still single! Take your bets on what I’m doing wrong, Aunt Kathy, Happy Thanksgiving!” …The list goes on and on.
Dating is vulnerable; vulnerability is scary because it may expose our insecurities, fears, doubts; It may make us question our wants, needs, and overall self-esteem.
As humans we crave connection & we hate rejection.
We so badly want connection and intimacy: to feel heard, understood, and loved unconditionally. This hard-wired desire can create a sense of urgency and pressure which may amplify certain insecurities.
We also hate all forms of rejection. Feeling rejected increases anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, and negatively impacts self-esteem.
The problem is, it’s hard to determine which we want the most and fear the least. Nobody can have one without the other.
Leaning too hard into either the desire for connection, or the fear of rejection can lead to us getting in our own way. In sessions, I hear my clients flip flop between the two extremes, either week to week, or within just one session. A client may focus on their desire for connection and tell me they feel “desperate”, and a week later shift gears, telling me they bailed on dates that week because the fear of rejection was too much, which makes them feel like “isolated,” or “all alone.”
Balancing these needs and fears is challenging. So, what can we do about this??
1. Understand you’re not alone. It is not desperate to crave connection & you are not a loner for disliking rejection. You are human with basic fears & needs of connection & companionship & intimacy.
2. Know your worth: “What you allow will continue”
Because of all the reasons why dating is anxiety provoking, it can be safer to date the “wrong” people out of fear of true intimacy. All intimacy requires some amount of risk.
Challenge those anxiety-based thoughts or questions such as, Am I interesting enough? Am I attractive enough? Will they like me? How will I compare to their other dates?
We tend to overanalyze the reasons why a date didn’t go well. An uncomfortable date has nothing to do with your worth.
3. Understand that this self-doubt and anxiety is trying to protect you from future possibilities that could lead to emotions we so badly dislike. By doing so, it is also creating feelings of unworthiness, shame, and the belief that you can’t handle rejection or hard emotions.
The truth is: we all experience rejection all the time (at work, in conversations, etc). Most likely, you have handled it before, and you can handle it again. The best therapist in the world can’t take away the fact that anything that comes with the possibility of rejection is scary. There is no way around it, only through it.
Lean into that vulnerability as best as you can. The games that many of us play, such as waiting to send a text or initiate plans, withholding the enthusiasm that you feel (re: deleting an emoji or exclamation points) are all ways to protect yourself, but it may not be as helpful as you think. It may do more harm than good.
4. Don’t use past dating experiences of failed relationship as a blueprint for every new date.
5. Stay present: a lot of the anxiety can come from a pressure or urgency to like the date enough, for the date to like you enough, to continue dating, to meet “the one”. Try to bring yourself back to the conversation, the drinks, the food, & especially the person in front of you.
The human brain repels uncertainty. We want a narrative. We want things to be known, even if it’s the outcome we don’t want, we would rather know it, exhale, and figure out how to deal, than to not know at all. This is what our brains want, but it is not reality.
You do not have a crystal ball, and so any time spent worrying about what will or won’t come out of a date or a relationship, worrying about where you stand in comparison to your friends and the timelines of their relationships, or worrying about your insecurities and if you’re lovable, is not going to get you closer to your desired outcome or farther away from your fears. It is the acceptance of this, the embracing of our fears, the falls, and every time we get back up that builds the road that leads to where you want to be.