Let’s Talk About Sex…
By: Barbara DeStefano, LMSW
Ah, yes, the dreaded topic (for some) in therapy. Talking about sex with a therapist may make you feel like listening to nails on a chalk board, wanting to hide under a rock, or worse, like you’re standing in front of an audience naked. You may feel completely exposed and vulnerable. This is a familiar feeling we have with a lot of difficult topics, and sex is no different.
Sexual health is just as important as mental health, and yet, most people, including therapists, have a hard time going “there”. Plain and simple, sex is a part of life. We all remember those cringe worthy sex Ed classes where we had to go around the room and say penis and vagina. Or was that just me? Well, here we are, very far away from that uncomfortable classroom, and we may just need to revisit that lesson. Say it with me, penis and vagina. See? Not so terrible. We tend to clam up just like our younger selves, filled with embarrassment and awkwardness. As sex crazed as our society might seem, talking about sex in an environment outside the bedroom is often stigmatized. It can feel shameful; as though nothing is allowed to be wrong when it comes to sex.
Here’s the secret, none of us are perfect when it comes to sex. In fact, most of us have some type of insecurity around it, and there are countless places that may originate from. It may stem from a sexually oppressed upbringing in a home where talking about anything related to sex was viewed as shameful. It could stem from a past sexual trauma, abuse, or assault. Some may suffer with a sexual addiction that they are embarrassed of, or a medical sexual dysfunction. You may be questioning your sexuality or gender identity which can make the topic of sex confusing and overwhelming. Unhappiness with body image can make you feel insecure having sex. The list goes on, but think of each one of these possibilities. No matter how big or small the issue is, it plays a big part in our lives, which is why it shouldn’t be a topic that is overlooked. Our sexual health informs many other areas of our life, and greatly impacts our mental health. So, what do you do about this? How do you get started exploring your sexual health?
First, you want to find a therapist who makes talking about sex as comfortable as possible. Even if you talk to a sex guru, it will still be uncomfortable for a little bit, but the point is to find someone who makes the uncomfortable feel okay. A good therapist will know the importance of sexual health, and will ask the hard questions so you don’t have to. Or, if you beat them to it, they will listen and respond in a non judgemental way, no matter how painful the issue, how kinky the sex act, or how non heteronormative the relationship is. A poor sex life, or negative identity with sex, can lead to a mental health disorders, and reinforce other pre-existing ones. It can lead to anxiety and depression and fuel insecurities and negative self-concept or negative self-talk spirals.
What underlies most of our anxieties surrounding talk about sex is shame. The funny thing about shame is that it only exists so long as we keep our thoughts a secret. The moment we share them, we set it free. Think on that for a moment, and next time you’re debating talking about sex with your therapist, ask yourself what your anxieties about it are. Better yet, bring up your anxiety with your therapist. If you’ve got a good one, they will put you at ease with a lot of reassurance and a little bit of humor.