How To Cope When You Don’t Feel Like Coping

By: Lindsay Mann, LP-MHC, and Hilary Weinstein, LCSW

How can you cope with senseless acts of gun violence across the country that jeopardize your everyday safety? How can you cope with the loss of innocent lives? How can you cope with the feelings of helplessness? How can you cope with the simultaneous amendment of one law that preaches protecting unborn children, and maintaining another law that puts childrens’ lives at risk?

I am a psychotherapist and here to tell you that sometimes, you just can’t & that is okay.

With the amount of tragedy occurring, utilizing coping mechanisms may feel meaningless or deflating. It may be the last thing you want to do. Of course there are things you can do to be a part of fighting for your beliefs and contributing to change, (we’ve included a list of resources on our website and socials), but it’s also important to have tools that help you self-soothe and manage distress.

Clients have shared feeling constantly fearful when stepping into public areas. Everyday tasks, like going grocery shopping, or weekend activities are now linked with feelings of threat and panic. Many of the sessions I held this week involved clients sharing new experiences of intrusive thoughts surrounding fear and death.

Are those fears, thoughts, and anger justified?

Well-- The US stands out as the most gun violent of all the developed nations in the world. Every year more than 40,000 men woman and children are killed by firearms. Women, children and black males are particularly vulnerable to gun violence. In 2020 gun violence became the number 1 cause of death in young people. The US population is approx. 350 million people, yet we own over 400,000,000 guns- more than one for every person. According to the Swedish National Council for Crime Prevention, the average number of firearms homicides is 1.6 deaths per one million inhabitants, while in the U.S. the average number of firearms homicides is 4.0 deaths per just one hundred thousand inhabitants.

So in short… Yes.

The social, emotional, physical, and psychological consequences of gun violence affect much more than those injured.

You are not alone in those fears and thoughts. It is okay to not feel okay right now. Anxiety, depression, anger, fear, etc. are not only warranted, but vastly common among Americans right now. Acknowledge it and allow yourself to feel it without judgment, criticism or contempt.

The variety and intensity of personal beliefs shared on social media can feel triggering and overwhelming. Clients have shared feeling pressure to post resources or personal thoughts about current events on social media along with feelings of guilt when they decide not to post. Being active on social media during these times does not make your beliefs more legitimate or valid, and taking time to disengage does not make your beliefs less legitimate or valid. Being silent on social media does not mean you don’t care. It may mean that you care so deeply that social media feels unsafe and staggering.

There is such thing as political fatigue. Be mindful of how much exposure you are acquiring daily. It is important for individuals to educate themselves but obsessing over every single detail may do more harm than good to your mental health. You are allowed to block the noise of opposing thoughts from followers on twitter/Instagram and relatives. 

It is easy for others to say, “you can’t live your life in fear,” or “don’t stress about things out of your control,” but the fear and anxiety you are feeling are justified.  We are living in scary, uncertain times. This is your permission to do whatever it is that makes you feel a sense of safety right now. Is that binge watching reality TV to get a respite from this reality? Is that taking breaks at work to just close your eyes or find a quiet space to shift your focus onto Wordle and Quordle? Whatever it is that gives you a sense of joy, safety or yes, even spending more time engaged in purposeful distraction is the right answer.

If your typical coping mechanisms are not helpful during this time, then come back to them when they are serving you. If it feels pointless and exhausting to practice affirmations, journal, or meditate, that is okay. Coping mechanisms aren’t one size fits all. Coping mechanisms that work for one person might not work for you, and similarly, coping mechanisms that typically work for you might not do the trick right now. If you scroll through people on Instagram or Tiktok talking about how exercising is their coping mechanism, and you just don’t f*ing feel like it, there’s a mute button for that.

Here is your permission to cut yourself some slack, to let go of the concern that you are being “lazy”, whether that is personal concern or feared concern from a roommate, or significant other. You’re not lazy. You only have a certain amount of energy and right now you’re using it to survive. Fighting battles in your head against fears about the future, fixations on something to feel a sense of control, hypothetical scenarios, guilt about your privilege, or fending off anxiety or depression is exhausting. You’re not lazy. You’re exhausted.

Bottom line is: There is no correct way to cope with the disasters and adversity that are so prevalent right now. It is okay to feel your feelings no matter how intense they may be. You don’t have to prove your position or feelings to anyone. You also don’t have to prove that you’re fine, or winning at coping to anyone. Treat yourself with compassion, kindness, and care… we could all use some of that.

Previous
Previous

Self-Care…In This Economy?!

Next
Next

Let’s Talk About Sex…